This post contains spoilers, so anyone who hasn’t watched the first 4 episodes of season 4, and hasn’t read the news about which actors are leaving at the end of the season should look away now…

It’s a great feeling.

You’ve got the TV on, but you’re not really paying attention. And then you see it: a new series of your favourite show is ‘Coming Soon.’ The characters that you love are returning. They’ll be staying for a few weeks. It will be just like old times.

That’s how I felt when I found out that The Fall was returning to our screens. Well, kind of. I mean, it had a little wobble at the end of season 2 didn’t it? But they could fix things, couldn’t they?

I was busy launching a book when the first episodes aired, so I’ve only just caught up. I couldn’t avoid the comments on social media, though, some of them from crime writers. ‘It’s so slow,’ they said. ‘Nothing’s happening.’ And: ‘What is this, an episode of Casualty?’

But that didn’t bother me. There are plenty of crime stories where too much happens. All plot, no character. I want something that engages the brain, as well as the sphincter. And The Fall has a couple of truly great characters in Stella Gibson and Paul Spector. Especially Stella. The only way to describe her is a total badass. That first episode, where she calmly tells a reporter to fuck right off and gives another detective her hotel room number? I knew I was going to be mesmerised from that night onwards.

So I sat down and watched episode one… and episode two… and… yes, I watched the first four episodes. And nothing bloody happened. Ok, things did actually happen. People talked. Paul Spector’s life was saved. But… there was no tension, no threat, no violence.

Now, as a writer who has just published their first book, I’m naturally a little wary of criticising the work of others. Because that’s a bad review. And bad reviews suck.

But I think there are lessons to be learned from The Fall of The Fall:

1) You can play with genre conventions, but you also need to respect them. I do not watch medical dramas. Legal dramas no longer interest me. If I’m watching a serial killer story, then I expect murders. Yes, it’s interesting to examine the impact that the crimes have on the family of the killer and the victims and the investigating officers. But those crimes were in a previous series. I need to see dead people. Now.

2) Crime dramas need threats. If Paul Spector was fighting for his life (and actually, I never got the sense that he was – he’s one half of the show, they’re not going to kill him off) and there was another victim somewhere, and they would die unless Paul regained consciousness and revealed their whereabouts, that might have created some real tension. But no, nobody’s life was really in danger. Apart from Spector’s kids. And that was sad, not exciting.

3) Don’t exploit your audience’s goodwill. If you’re an unknown writer, you feel like you need to grab the reader by the throat on page one. Chuck in a dead body or a chase. But once you’re established, you know you have a captive audience. They trust you, they’ll let you build up to things because you’ve entertained them before. But that only goes so far. Yes, Paul Spector killed people while Stella chased him. And yes, it’s kind of cool when they’re in a room together. It’s also a bit creepy (but unbelievable) when Paul is alone with a nurse who is so obviously his type. And now Paul is giving off some evil vibes. But that’s after four hours of fourplay. I’m sore, I’m thinking about lubricants and skin grafts. ‘I left the kettle on and the back door unlocked and I forgot to feed the goat,’ I say, rolling out of bed and pulling my trousers on. ‘I’ll call you,’ I say. ‘I promise.’

4) Situations create character. One of the things that made Stella a badass was that she was hunting Spector down. While he was recovering from surgery and his lawyers were looking for loopholes she seemed a lot less tough. Yeah, she said that thing about the patriarchy that spawned a load of GIFs, but she was also a bit powerless what with the internal investigation and Spector’s amnesia and his lawyer and that Swedish psychiatrist who will no doubt do something to facilitate Spector’s release or escape. And Spector was menacing when he was killing people. Less so when he was in a hospital bed and being told he’d have to take antibiotics for the rest of his life.

5) A serial killer thriller needs pace. Why? To keep the brain occupied, jumping over hurdles and dodging projectiles. Most fictional serial killers are totally unrealistic. Hannibal Lecter is one of the biggest offenders, a modern day Dracula with superhuman strength. But that doesn’t matter because The Silence of the Lambs is so bloody exciting. In season 3 of The Fall, though, things slow down and that gives the brain time to ask questions. Why is Spector on the same ward as one of his victims? Are there special NHS regulations for serial killers, entitling them to a private nurse? How did that emotional jelly with the beard become a senior police officer in Belfast?

Can The Fall rise again? I think it could, by going back to basics for season 4 (which apparently will not feature Jamie Dornan). We need a new killer, who keeps killing people, and Stella will pursue him relentlessly, only pausing to sleep with her colleagues. Eventually she’ll have him cornered, she’ll make a speech and then shoot him in the head. Then she’ll celebrate by returning to her hotel where a handsome detective will go down on her while she writes a feminist pamphlet.

I’d pay to see that.

If you like serial killers and badass female characters, you might enjoy my novel PsychoAnalysis. Out now!